It’s the age old question, isn’t it, how much do we want to know about our neighbours? Having re-watched Desperate Housewives in just over a month, I found out everything. Here is the 16 best episodes with a variety of plots and character analysis thrown in. Choose your own in the comments below
16 – 8.23 Finishing the Hat
Technically the trial just before was a sumptuous feast of surprises, twists and a full exploration of the whole ensemble, but this episode indeed finishes the hat. We’re come to the end of the road, and after watching it all over again still I can’t let, it’s unnatural, they belong to us, we belong to them… The finale is both bittersweet and totally satisfying. I remember exactly where I was when I saw this and said, in a crowded office, again and again to myself, but they’ll never play poker again…? The creator went completely out on a whim making sure there wouldn’t be a reboot, which probably wouldn’t have worked, and it’s like saying what happened in Wisteria Lane died in Wisteria Lane. Finally, to quote Edie, how they lived…
Best Housewife in Show: Karen. She grew and grew (in screen time and character) throughout the show and her ‘Son of a bitch’ confession was delivered like you’d imagine actresses all over the world would love to deliver.
15 – 3.02 It Takes Two
(Also, please note, this was the season with the best artwork.)
After a wonderfully lit episode with rainstorms surrounding Wisteria Lane and a feeling of general melancholy, this second episode really sets revs up the third season. Even though we have missed almost all the courtship due to the six months later opening to the season, Bree is getting married again, this time to Orson, who is somewhere between a perfect match and a sadistic figure, mainly because the actor wanted to stay on and the writers continued to tinker with his character throughout the show. The gang try to disuade Bree after the arrival of the crazed Carolyn Bigsby prophesying that Bree will wind up dead, like Alma, Orson’s first wife. Bree however is fairly happy with Orson, even though she stops the ceremony to ask Orson to confirm that he didn’t kill his wife, and later on, her wedding night is overshadowed by a visit to the morgue. Again, she’s largely happy.
It’s a great Susan episode as she now accepts a date with Ian, the archetypal stereotype of a Brit and the stand-in love interest for Mike, who is currently in a coma. In an improbable scene on their date, Ian clocks Jane’s parents (Jane, of course is also in a coma) and tells them that Susan is a neurosurgeon, and much laughter ensues. Susan is also tasked with finding out more about the suspicious disappearance of Alma so rolls up to Carolyn Bigsby at the bank demanding answers and demanding as well 10 dollars in unrolled pennies. This is her best work for this season which is drowned out by Mike and Susan slowly but surely getting back together, once again. Lynette gets in a great Manson family reference about Nora (Tom’s ex-Atlantic City lover) being the new Squeeky Frome with Nora, who like Carolyn has entered the show with a bang. Nora’s single and one of those mothers who needs a man so Lynette has to find a man desperate enough to get entangled with her. Gaby and Carlos’ divorce was technically one of the more comical divorces in TV, with them fighting over goods, exchanging wise cracks and treating it as a reconstructed War of the Roses. They’re still connected with Xiao-Mei’s baby and they’re not letting that stop them with the scheming with Gaby trying to hook a gay waiter at Bree’s wedding and Lynette successfully pairing Nora with Carlos. Gaby is furious, and later horrified when Xiao-Mei’s baby turns out to be black. It’s a tour-de-force from Gaby here.
Best Housewife in Show: Gaby, if only for her Lynette!
14 – 2.06 I Wish I Could Forget You
I loved the Lynette story in this episode about everyone judging her bargain basement clothes – something that also has happened to me, where people assume my sartorial taste is cheap, in spite of the price of my vintage threads. I also enjoyed this story because everything Lynette wore in the first series was pretty ugly, polyester and flammable. Lynette, understanding the criticism but unable to reconcile the Scavo budget attempts to wear the clothes and return them ASAP, and how many times in our lives have we kept the price tag on hoping nobody would notice, whilst meticulously avoiding any potential stains before returning the clothes? Of course, cunning Nina exposes Lynette’s new label and in a creative decision typical of equally cunning Lynette, she palms off Tom with some new golf clubs, reminding us that capitalism makes the world around in suburbia.
Like any of us who can’t quite get our big break, virginal, anally-retentive George is still trying to seal the deal with Bree, only she get hives when he touches her, which is a novel excuse. George as the most Shakespearean of all the blackmailers in the show continues his campaign for Bree by encouraging her to mix antihistamines with alcohol, thereby drugging her. George (in voice of Bree)! George realises that taking advantage of Bree when she’s passed out is pretty below the belt, but successfully threatens her with the possibility of ghosting her. It still is to the detriment of the second series that George left so early.
For me, this is a gold Susan episode, despite the competition, as we have arguably the saddest scenario for the troubled Wisteria Lane lovers. Mike has finally discovered from Paul that Susan sent Zach away, and as mentioned in the fandom page ‘is disgusted.’ And we have one of the strongest visuals of the whole season, with Susan in her wedding dress, crying and rasping in her crooky tones as Mike drives off. As I said to a friend of the scene we have sad, sobbing Susan, sitting in the middle of the lane ready to receive support from the girls, who all come from different angles to end the tableau of an inconsolable Susan. I must say as well, loved Susan’s mother in the show, such a strong double act!
Best Housewife in Show: Susan.
13 –8.12 What’s the Point of Being Good?
Season 8 was dark, really dark. It was another gear change for the show where the housewives just weren’t friends anymore. We know that the actresses most got on apart from Teri who said that ‘she would never talk about what happened but she wished everyone well’ – yikes. Susan in S8 has at least two WHAT ARE YOU DOING? moments. The first is that ridiculous artwork which, as Bree points out looks like a clear sign of guilt. In the previous episode she hightails it to Oklahoma to pay off the Ramon/Alejandro Sanchez family to ease her guilt. And, even more stupid, Susan pays with a cheque that allows Claudia to trace her (really stupid stuff.) In this episode we have a little bit of necessary comedy stemming from said stupid moment as Claudia is convinced Susan is sleeping with Ramon, so litters the street with Susan the Slut flyers, causing Susan t3o try and salvage her reputation posthaste.
This season really is the Bree series though as, by this episode we have seen the #Breeiscancelled party, Bree’s interrupted suicide attempt and, now we are on the Bree doesn’t care anymore bandwagon. It’s really vintage Bree and as one commentator noted, I know it’s awful but I’ve always loved Bree when she’s off the wagon. Bree now has had so many lovers that she has a system of carting them out at 4.30am before next door neighbour Karen McCluskey wakes up. Karen however is wise to this and asks their Reverend to have a word, which Bree rejects as she decides that it’s better at the bar. Even though she has been fired from being Head of the Bake Sale Bree still pre-bakes a majestic tart before rocking up half-baked from booze. She gets the line of the episode and probably the season, every bake sale needs a tart before discovering one of her recent paramours – who she discovers, via his wife that he’s married. I really enjoyed this episode and wish that Lynette had some of these scenes whilst in her marital breakdown. I also enjoy Bree’s triumphant rant towards her bitchy friends in the next episode where she drunkenly shames them over her suicide attempt and their general lack of support for her control over the situation re: Alejandro.
Best Housewife in Show: Bree, for being the tart at the sale.
12 –5.13 The Best Things That Could Have Ever Happened
Or the life and times of the handyman. Re-watching in its entirety, who knew there were so many one-offs, with the stripper, Eddie the serial killer and Mike all recipients of a special. This was the first and most experimental with a sentimental and emotive character study, which works surprisingly well for a standalone episode. Once again we are transported back to the day when Mary Alice got that thirteen word note, as well as another cameo from fan-favourite Rex, keeping the nostalgia alive. The premise is that Eli was the handyman who assisted in all the housewives’ problems, from Lynette’s career vs motherhood dilemma, to Susan’s I’m single again moments (which I might add was covered well when Edie and Susan were trapped in a basement together, turns out Edie is an independent maneater; Susan is a needy dependent), to Gaby’s debut on the lane and feelings of loneliness and to Bree’s ‘traditional values cookbook origin.’
All the flashbacks are nicely linked to his life as a handyman fixing problems, which becomes a metaphor and as the episode stabs you with emotional moments, for a character you didn’t even know, we have a Mary Alice moment about the power of helping others. So Eli is paying it forward. Technically, he was the last person to see Mary Alice alive and didn’t act on his suspicions, a bit like Lynette in Bang, so looks out for problems to solve. It’s corny but hits you in the feels. Whilst I liked the relationship with him and Susan, especially that while we realise that her daddy issues and aching loneliness can be deeply concerning, she always optimistically hopes for the breakthrough, the highlight was Eli and Edie. Edie was always shameless and her ‘rate my tits and ass’ moment was excellent, also I like that Edie was based on man-eating Joyce from Edward Scissorhands, and Edie bedding Eli was such an Edward moment. The outtake of Edie telling Eli there can be no more bored housewife/handyman afternoons, and that Eli would have to bill her from now on shouldn’t have been deleted.
Best Housewife in Show: Edie, for giving Eli the time of his life.
11 – 4.03 The Game
The arrival of Katherine Mayfair has set Wisteria ablaze, as she comes loaded with secrets and a refusal to let her guard down. In trivia never explored before Susan is the regular charades party host and, with Katherine going everyone is now finally interested in a game night. It’s a real ensemble episode, which are always my favourite type of episode. Before the evening Susan is feeling confused as Bree’s ob-gyn turns out to be a sleazy individual with few medical skills in a run-down area of town. Lynette isn’t going to Charades because she’s whacked from the cancer and Edie is going with Carlos, who, of course is now having an affair with Gaby, who is attending with her new husband, Victor. Katherine early on puts the kibosh on life with the first husband (source of the gossip) but is left seething when Gaby appears to be flirting with Adam Mayfair (the second husband, which she is doing.)
Of course, Katherine is particularly jealous after being filled in by a vengeful Edie, who of course is now ‘engaged’ to Carlos and who sets a fire and delights in watching it burn when Katherine confronts Gaby on her reputation and her ‘teenage gardener’. Victor is naturally stunned by this and mentions to Carlos that if Gaby ever did that with him, the guy would be dead. Katherine attempts to put the kibosh on her past once again, but, of course, nothing stays quiet in Wisteria Lane, and it’s a humdinger of a story when it’s told. Lynette, tricked by her mother has a batch of brownies laced with the mother’s old friends Mary and Jane and, having consumed them is in outrageous form at the party, as she parodies Edie’s suicide attempt. Edie gets the line of the episode with ‘I know this party was a complete disaster, but all in all it was your best party ever.’ What I wouldn’t give to be at this party.
Best Housewife in Show: Gaby, for her fighting spirit with Katherine.
10 – 2.21 I Know Things Now
The series two finale was naturally very watchable but fundamentally lacked the tension and intelligence of S1, that said this episode building to the finale was just so enjoyable, really threading the comedy and drama superbly. We have Gaby and Carlos who are an adopted daughter down. When told Xiao-Mei can stay if she falls pregnant or marries an American citizen Gaby has a eureka moment and pushes a reluctant Xiao-Mei to have their baby, only Xiao-Mei is confused as she is an innocent virgin. Gaby delightfully extols how virginity went out in the ‘50s and preps Xiao-Mei to be their surrogate, only Xiao-Mei, still confused, strips for Carlos in the bedroom, prompting comic hilarity. I also loved the Xiao-Mei Carlos affair later on, and it being discovered via the baby monitor. Such great writing.
Lynette having stopped the fraternity antics at work is understandably furious that Tom is the scapegoat for Lynette, who previously sent a intimate message to her boss’ wife on behalf of him, which backfired so badly Ed agrees to fire an employee, Tom. Tom, in an episode where he leaves the Lynette support framework decides to get some sweet revenge and speeds up the dismissal by punching Ed in the face. Only Ed has an ace up his sleeve when Lynette confronts him as he gleefully tells Lynette that Tom went to Atlantic City (illegally) and had theatre tickets for two. Cue, plenty of Lynette fretting, spying and general angst as well as the heralding of Devil-child Kayla.
Bree remains a huge element of S2, having already inadvertently assisted in a suicide, become an alcohol (one of the best elements in S2 is, with the introduction of Bree being an alcoholic, the subtle, Bree with wine shots which the producers indiscriminately add to legitimise the upcoming addiction). In what I can safely argue is her worst boyfriend, Peter, has been introduced by giving Bree moral support and helping her out of a mall when she passes out drunk (exceptional) and finally admits, through her affection for Peter that she has a problem with drink. In this episode Peter, with the Keith Urban hair comes for a Van de Camp dinner, where Andrew begins to plot his ultimate revenge, deciding that Peter’s sex addiction can gain him the latest point in an increasing bitter war with mother, which was included verbal spats, his attempts to divorce her and, most recently his attempt to slander her as a molester. A super stressful season for Bree and the reason why she decides to let Andrew go, leaving him on the side of the road to find his own way. Most of the DH community agree that Andrew was a true thorn in her side and they side with her, but Bree needs to go through the ringer with icing gate and a stint in rehab before there’s a reunion between the two.
The comedy, and it’s good comedy is the latest in the list of stupid Susan moments. Susan’s chickens come home to roost again when she starts sleeping with her ex Karl, in a move Julie called pretty early on. With Susie Q is being traced by a private detective, Mike pays off the detective, who was paid for by Edie, as he stills cares for Susan (even if she is stupid.) Susan, however unaware and unable to pay the ransom writes a letter to Edie explaining her sins and being the other woman, which she swore she’d never be. Anyway, in a comical addition Susan attempts to intercept the mailman to get the letter and the mailman, thinking she’s a bored housewife assumes she wants to fulfill a blue collar fantasy. Julie, discovering Edie’s letter outside of the sack puts it back in and in a twist I didn’t expect Edie returns the ‘deed’ and burns Susan’s house. It’s a lot of action for 42 minutes, no? Note, even though we see the house razed to the ground the house is actually identical when it is rebuilt. I mean, ABSOLUTELY identical.
Best Housewife in Show: Susan.
9–7X03 Truly Content
(Also, worst artwork, just so awful)
– After a pretty poor sixth season this had plenty of good comedy, with Renee and Bree stud-hunting and Renee referring to Bree’s sweater sets. There’s a lot of good lines in this episode, especially as Bree talks about her love of Nightline. When Bree sees Renee flirting with Keith she accepts that she has feelings for him even though viewers are confused with one of the dullest characters in the history of the show. Susan becomes an Only Fans gal before it existed in what one Reddit user said was her only almost-bearable season.
The idea of anyone watching housewives doing housework whilst wearing lingerie sounds like some form of Bree Van de Camp fan fiction but it seems lucrative here and gets Susan jealous when she realises that Stacy Strauss, a fellow working gal has stolen her vacuum. Maxine, as Susan’s madam was an added bonus and was the best part of the season for Susan. Also there is the excellent soap opera twist with Juanita swapped at birth and Gaby in this episode enlisting Bob’s help to find her biological daughter even though it could all end in disaster with Juanita being taken by the other family and Tom in another of his mid-life crisis moments becomes high on oregano when Lynette substitutes his medical marijuana. All really excellent story lines.
Best Housewife in Show: Susan, when she was given more comical work, it worked very, very well.
8 – 5.19 Look Into Their Eyes and You See What They Know
Losing Edie remains one of the most shocking DH moments and to many was the jump the shark moment. To Eva Longoria, it ruined the ‘legacy’ of the show and resulted in the whole court case between Sheridan and Cherry, where she supposedly said that Hatcher was the nastiest woman alive. Yikes! In a sort of Hallmark type episode the residents are all shocked by the death of Edie, on the street, electrocuted as Sheridan’s indulgent voice-over tells us that she died the absolute center of attention. All the housewives plus Karen agree to take her ashes to Travers, who is now in college (which bothered me, as due to the trajectory he should have been, what 14 including the 5 year gap.) In the car they all share their flashback moments with Edie. I got some minor satisfaction in Karen mentioning that they in fact drove Edie off the lane (for the ridiculous story-line that Edie was blackmailing Bree over her fake son vs Bree trying to destroy her business.) I always loved Edie and Karen together and rue them not having more scenes. Edie helps Susan discover Karl was cheating, takes Lynette drinking and distracts her from a life with cancer, forces Bree to visit Orson unintentionally and goes clubbing with Gaby, where Edie suggests that she was always going to die young. It’s sad to say goodbye to Edie but her getting the voice-over for the episode in its sultry, indulgent style makes it a real celebration.
And that is how Wisteria Lane became my final resting place. My ashes were spread over grass I had once walked on, beneath trees that had once given me shade, on top of roses I once admired, and beside fences I once gossiped over. And after my friends had finished saying goodbye, a wind came along and took what was left of me into the air. As I looked down on the world I began to let go of it. I let go of white picket fences, and cars and driveways, coffee cups and vacuum cleaners. I let go of all those things which seemed so ordinary, but when you put them together, they make up a life, a life that really was one-of-a-kind. I’ll tell you something: It’s not hard to die when you know you have lived. And I did. Oh, how I lived.
Best Housewife in Show: Edie, gone too soon.
7 -2.04 My Heart Belongs to Daddy
Lynette in the workplace had some wonderfully comical moments. Mrs Mulberry was an inspired creation of Parker Scavo as he struggled to adapt to life without Lynette as the housewife. Mrs Mulberry, a British nanny in the mould of Mary Poppins (as an umbrella can be) is just so Americana. After Lynette tires of Mrs Mulberry’s demands, via Parker, she decides that Mrs Mulberry must disappear, especially when she finds out Mrs Mulberry demanded a paint brush and an easel, via Parker at school. So, Lynette in problem-solving mode throws Mrs Mulberry in the garbage truck. In great comical style it falls off the truck but, just when you think that Mrs Mulberry is indestructible she does get run over before Parker’s very eyes seconds later. After Lynette tells Parker Mrs Mulberry is very, very dead she cries over the death of Mrs Mulberry and her general parenting/control skills with Tom in possibly my individual favourite scene of Lynette. It’s a real Desperate Housewives type story-line about the little things that make the housewives feel so desperate, and it just had so much heart, you know?
Other stand out moments include one of the most classic Stupid Susan storylines (there are MANY after the initial season) where she finds Zach. It starts off pretty well, in true comic style with Susan multitasking with balancing ice creams and trying to trap Zach, however Susan then decides to avoid telling Mike at first (who of course we know now is the father) and then gives Zach money to head to Utah on a ‘Who am I?’ journey without informing Mike again. You just know it’ll haunt her later…
Gaby, meanwhile is trying to organise a conjugal visit whilst trying to avoid the cat-calls of the prisoners. When her lawyer remarks coldly that she can’t order him around because he is not her maid, nor her gardener she slaps him, prompting him to call her a bitch and start a prison riot with the cat-calling prisoners prodding the lawyer through the fence and demanding he apologise, with Mary Alice telling the viewer it was the nicest complement Gaby could remember.
Best Housewife in show: Lynette
6- 5.08 City on Fire
The fire really cements that this was the Dave season. The cherubic nice guy holding a dark secret and wanting Mike’s head on a silver platter. I particularly enjoy the actor’s trivia that he avoids sex scenes out of respect for his wife and religion. That’s such a Dave type of thing to do. In one of the most male-centric episodes we’ve on one of the longest and strongest fads within Tom’s eternal mid-life crisis, post Pizza restaurant and vintage car but before learning Chinese and his love of medical marijuana: the band. I think it was Dave who entered the gang into the battle of the gangs, which is at Rik’s which is part of the whole subplot that Porter is having an affair with Warren’s (owner of Rik’s) wife and she’s now pregnant. As per usual in the disaster episodes there’s still a whole bunch of subplots in the sidelines, such as Lynette talking to Anne Schilling and Rik accidentally overhearing and promising that his ‘tramp’ of a wife is no longer welcome at home and that Lynette’s son is dead if Rik catches him. Porter has no problem standing up to Warren and threatens him with that magical word in the show, revenge. Bree is getting national coverage for her cookbook but wants to present her idealised version of her life (the beginning of S1) and Susan is horrified that Julie is shacking up with a thrice-divorced professor. As with the disaster episodes we have an exceptional second half where crazy Dave locks his concerned therapist in the storeroom (a-la Wendy in the Shining), having killed him and set fire to the room. He also locks the Canadian (Susan’s new love interest) in the bathroom to add some drama before returning to drum for his life. Props go to Edie for her dancing and cowgirl hat, the groupie was the role she was born to play. She also gets the more dramatic lines with lots of ‘Dave, come back’ when he realises that Mike attempted to rescue Jackson but is now on the floor of the men’s room. It still makes for great television, even if Warren would never have closed the fire door.
Note: in the next episode Lynette successfully bribes Anne to escape town with 14$, the same amount Bree offers Maisy in S1. It seems that’s the going rate in Fairview.
Housewife: Edie for the dancing.
5-1.23 One Wonderful Day
It’s an odd thing to look back on the world to watch those I left behind. Each in her own way, so brave, so determined, and so very desperate. Desperate to venture out, but afraid of what she’ll miss when she goes. Desperate to get every thing she wants even when she isn’t exactly sure of what that is. Desperate for life to be perfect again, although she realizes it never really was. Desperate for a better future, if she can find a way to escape her past. I not only watch, but I cheer them on, these amazing women. I hope so much they’ll find what they’re looking for. But I know not all of them will. Sadly, that’s just not the way life works. Not everyone gets a happy ending…
The most viewed episode and the best series finale ever. I remember vividly downloading this episode and waiting impatiently as it downloading % by % direct from America. This episode really had it all as the writers threw anything and everything into the mix. Most importantly Mary Alice’s suicide is no longer in vain as the secret is blown out of the water. All it took was a gun and the threat of death for Paul to tell Mike why Angela Forest was so desperate for the truth to stay hidden (and how vindictive Martha was to blackmail her, making us pretty much give Paul a hall pass for that murder). It also had one of the most iconic lines, this time delivered by Paul/Todd (who is never called Todd again)– Oh Mary Alice, what did you do? It was a great mystery and remains the best series finale of the show, especially as we find out that disturbed Zach is Mike’s son, although why he was called Dana in the first place I’ll never know. And truth be told, I’m not sure anyone knows either.
Lynette is VERY Lynette in this episode as Tom discovers Lynette scuppered his promotion and Tom has his first taste of mid life crisis as he demands that Lynette take the reins and return to work, offering us some guaranteed work place comedy moment in S2. Gaby’s affair is brought into the light as Carlos, charged with hate crimes against the gays is shocked to discover gardener John, entering in the last minute to the court case and whisper vindictively in his eye that he was the teenage distraction. Carlos gets to use some of the only Spanish he uses in 8 seasons with a dramatic ‘te voy a matar!’, and, pleasingly, this time round I got the reference.
The most shocking moment however is the death of Rex, who, of course was poisoned by the mannequin-esq George. Bree and Rex of course have been getting on badly, with Rex thinking Bree was the killer with his infamously short note: ‘I understand, I forgive you’. The first series culled some great characters early on and it was a shame to see Rex exit so early, much as it was Juanita – the lover of Telenovellas and Martha – the suburban Hedda Hopper. Bree’s breakdown scene is a masterpiece within the theatre of pain DH delivers so well. We all remember that without her household chords she has to process the end of the Van de Camps as we know it. Truly devastating.
Best Housewife in Show: Bree, for that phone call
4- 1.16 Ladies who Lunch
Throughout even the most respectable of neighbourhoods, you can hear the sound of scandal. Some scandals announce themselves with a shout, some with a whisper, and some with a bang. And once in a great while, there comes a scandal so deliciously sordid its roar drowns out all other noise.
The first season was totally about Bree as her perfect life imploded bit by bit, while she hastily reacted to each and every humiliation caused by each member of her family. This episode was a real shocker and showed how well writer sat on individual storylines. A couple of episodes before this one, we found out that Maisy, the Stalinist leader of the PTA was also the madame of the most suburban whorehouse in suburbia. In this episode she’s busted and, in a sort of Harold Robbins-esq plot twist, it transpires she has a black book. This we find out at the Van de Camp’s country club where Bree, in pigtails (fun) has to perfect that smile we found out about much later in the series, hiding the betrayal, whilst everyone around the Van de Camps are losing their heads talking about the Heidi Fleiss of Wisteria Lane. In natural DH style it doesn’t take long for the book to become public, after Bree unsuccessfully fails to buy off Maisy in jail. The Van de Camps only discover this when they’re dining out. Rex, desperate to run with his tail between his legs is thwarted by a glacial Bree as they wait out the most uncomfortable meal imaginable.
In general this is an excellent episode with Edie showing her most promising potential as supporting character in a crisis when she suggests Sad Susan gets drunk with her and then suggests (when they’re drunk) that they snoop in Paul Young’s house for clues, maybe even discovering what the whole Angela riddle’s about. When Paul returns, bemused to find Edie hiding behind the couch, Edie shows off her best trick in her arsenal – making out with Paul. The power of woman, especially Edie.
Gaby’s storyline is also delightful, as she and Carlos experience their first flush of poverty, with sewage backing up their water supply meaning they have to do their laundry in the jacuzzi and sneak off to the neighbours when they need to go to the bathroom whilst pretending to keep up appearances. This and when she transports virtually everything she owns into Bree’s garage a couple of episodes before are real laugh out loud moments.
Best in show: Gaby and Bree in the only tie.
3 – 4.10 Welcome to Kanagawa
Obviously the tornado episode is totally electrifying with a whole bunch of deaths, great pairings of characters and pure fear. But this episode enters in the grief Olympics, as we know Lynette could be the sole Scavo survivor. Also, Gaby’s husband is dead, and as we later find out, Carlos is blind. WOWser. So she’s free from the controlling politician but the incriminating Carlos and Gaby photos have been seen by his father who tells her in no uncertain terms that not only is she getting nada but if she doesn’t exit from the funeral he’ll tell the world what a whore she was. Dramatic times for Gaby.
Susan is delighted that Bree is now staying at hers and is desperate for her to stay as Mike is in rehab (boy, the life of the Delfinos was never easy) but this is a total Lynette and Karen special. Lynette’s nervous breakdown is close to complete, as we remember her animalistic scream at the end of the tornado and the save the Scavo special where we root her on as she recovers four children, the husband and the stepdaughter who is in-between her bad-to-the-bone stage. However, we lose Ida, who for me wasn’t really much of a character, only the neighbourhood drunk. That said, it’s sad for Karen and in this episode she is a revelation. Lynette works her range of emotions as well, having decided that she must do everything she can honour the life of unassuming Ida, even though this from the woman who wanted to destroy her cat. It’s some of Felicity’s most powerful acting as she goes through the ringer, always wanting more, more, more! so Karen and Lynette go on a round trip to scatter her ashes (for, what do you know, Ida was a WWII baseball star) and Karen delivers a poem which she knocks it right out of the ball park. Elfman’s score only adds to all the feelings communicated in this powerful, really moving episode.
Best Housewife in Show: Lynette, along with Ida’s ashes.
2- 7.10 Down the Block There’s a Riot
The riot episode is absolutely the best of the best in DH’s autumn years. The plot is so ingenious and unsettling that it really conveyed that DH wasn’t dead in the creativity department. In this case, a riot based on a sort of NIMBY/revenge plot. Paul, who had obviously decided early on that he wasn’t interested in offering any sort of olive branch made sure to punish the neighbours for past sins, which we discovered in the previous episode. He was buying the neigbourhood to force through a safe house for reformed criminals. Whilst young Porter philosophically questions whether the punishment fitted the crime and that now they should be judged differently, Lynette doesn’t have time for this. This is Wisteria Lane, and even though there are murderers, arsonists, hostages and all manner of secrets and hypocrisy, this is still a ‘good’ neighbourhood. And we see in an early, menacing scene that maybe these guys are cartoonishly evil, with one slathering over Bree. Another excellent element of the pacing is not just taking the episode into an extended action episode. We’ve got some great subplots, including Gaby, who is mourning her biological daughter (great storyline) and now her doll (equally great storyline, only the hardest of hearts couldn’t break when we saw Gaby lose Princess Jasmine, much like Porter with Mulberry) writes a letter on the advice of Lynette, only Juanita finds it and discovers the family secret. Bree is being chased by her boring boyfriend’s sleazy army father and Susan is arguing with Renee only the unrealistic plot addition that Renee slept with Tom in college (I’ve tried to do the math but with Kayla involved it doesn’t stick). Lynette is delighted to have the residents association back her in fighting against Paul’s chicanery under the campaign header, Save our Neighbourhood. And so the mayor comes along and realises that, actually Paul was playing them just as he was playing the harpies from hell (his neighbours). And like that, the anarchy starts rising and the tension is a-cracking. The individual most iconic shot of the episode is Bree with the gun, which starts off the riot but there’s so much going on elsewhere, especially with the pariahs Bob and Lee, who are trapped in their car after an aborted escape attempt. Gaby yanks the guy who smashed the back window off the boot of Bob’s (ugly) car by his leg to get to Juanita. Lynette is the true star of the show helping ‘save’ Lee from a bottle-throwing mob, with plenty of hair flailing, gesturing and general desperation as per usual. She she realises that she must rise above Paul’s ‘why are your neighbours better than ex-cons’ gauntlet with a truly Lynette moment ‘HE’S MY NEIGHBOUR.’ Whilst it would be utterly ridiculous that the event wouldn’t have had a police presence, I couldn’t care less. It was pure art. And, let’s not forget Paul getting shot and someone stepping on Susan (surprisingly laughably) in what became kidneygate.
Best Housewife in Show: Lynette for her dramatic line-stealing delivery
1- 3.07 Bang
I.C.O.N.I.C, the very pinnacle of DH according to the fans, and after re-watching I can only agree. Plus I have always maintained, considering the drudgery of food shopping that if I had a nervous breakdown, with the possibility of holding innocent people hostage it would be in a supermarket, just like Carolyn. As Bree informs Carolyn Bigsby that her Harvey was cheating on her with the mysterious Monique, Carolyn is ready to seek her revenge and heads to the store (as various residents do.) The pacing is exceptional with Carolyn taking the supermarket under her control, the police outside and the residents watching the action unfold via a Bree and Orson soiree. There are great individual storylines but all our focus has to be on the hostage where all the lines are exceptional and are imminently quotable. It’s difficult to choose but my possible favourite being when Carolyn, in a superbly glacial performance dolls out reworked service announcements – we’re having a special on not getting shot but it’s at the back of the store. However, there are so many gems, like ‘Tish, turn on your damn TV,’ ‘I haven’t had a cookie in six years. See, Harvey, I’m breaking my diet!’ and, after the breaking point, when Carolyn finds another ‘whore’ in her midst and acts, ‘I believe the phrase you’re looking for is thank you.’ As you watch in breathless excitement Carolyn positively swaying with comic zingers and maniac desperation we get Lynette in top panic mode with a great mini monologue on how ‘we all have pain’ (very Dreamgirls) and the denouncement to Carolyn that she’s not okay with Carolyn randomly shooting people and that maybe Carolyn ‘deserves to be cheated on’ It’s a trip unlike any other, especially as Lynette is helped through the drama by Art, who instantly turns into a pedophile and persona non grata in Wisteria Lane’s arguably most experimental storyline.
Amazingly, the episode isn’t over yet. Lynette dreams once more about Mary Alice on the morning of her suicide, and this time she gets to beg to help her. But, of course, Mary Alice can’t be helped, and tells her. She says instead to just enjoy the beautiful day. It’s a self-soothing moment for the viewer, a small moment focused on prior pain and accepting fate, amid the ethereal lighting, the music, the raw emotion. It can’t help but move you, like any great show should.
Housewife: Carolyn Bigsby, for adding that extra dimension to the Desperate Housewife.
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