Let’s talk about Lindsay


A couple of months ago I wrote a piece about the curse of the Disney child star. Whilst all of the article could have merely referred to Lindsanity, I attempted to branch out and discuss the other casualties from the amazingly successful corporation that is Walt Disney Inc. Since then, I have had some serious cravings to know literally everything about the ongoing car crash that is Lindsay Lohan’s life. Part of me feels this is naturally invasive because, of course, Lindsay needs some serious help and control in her life, however, Lindsay’s life feels as much a public attraction as Disneyland itself. The truth is that I am still hooked on the drug that is Lindsay Lohan.

When I wrote my previous article, Lindsay had only just begun serving her house arrest, where she famously did interviews in her rented pad. Interviews she must have realised were a PR nightmare, but then again, what can you expect from a woman who has had a disastrous year. I firmly believe a bestseller biography could be quickly thrown together for the Christmas holidays entitled ‘Lindsay Lohan’s life in 2011: What Happened?’, because the Lord knows there’s enough material for such an endeavor. I naturally can’t wait to read about her next move, inappropriate I know, especially with everything going on. Let’s look to the year and remember all the key moments in such a fruitful year for Hollywood’s newest bad girl.

Plastic surgery…or Lindsay’s ever changing face.

Um…it’s hard to fully ascertain what Lindsay has done with her face. Certainly dying her hair a steely blonde from the more vivid red has been a mistake as it makes her skin rather lifeless and pasty. Then again, it hasn’t helped that Lindsay has most definitely fillered her face to buggery and developed some nasty mountains some would call eye bags. As a guest to Kim Kardashian’s infamous seventy-two day joke of a marriage, Lindsay managed to break the golden rule by wearing white, however – screw that rule, the biggest problem was her seriously swollen face. Mostly rightly say she had become bloated, yet the main issue was that even her own mum, Dina looked better as she was age-appropriate, i.e. 49 trying to be in her 40s, with Lindsay 25 and looking about 47. The image, as you can see is where her cheeks look like two mountains of poorly-applied vaseline and a range of other make up products giving a truly oily ‘Turkish’ complexion. One could quickly realise, even by LA standards that she was going beyond the point of no return. Lindsay had managed to accessorize this look with the trout pout, a second surgical job that has obviously managed to make her face look like a bad cartoon, as if she were doing an SNL skit as Ivana Trump without ironic makeup to finalise the look. Recently Lindsay managed to criminally apply some blusher when she made one of her regular appearances in the LA courthouse, which made her even more ghostly and haggard, appropriate for her community service work at the morgue only.

Lindsay looking like a Real Housewife of Cracksville. With a slit of a cheap dress, bad hair piled high, a waxy and swollen face and bizarre lips. Nobody knew what she was thinking (whilst she were on cocaine).

The affair of the necklace:

Not since Marie Antoinette has a necklace courted so much controversy. The $2500 piece of jewelry meant Lindsay had to pay a far higher price, both financially and judicially. The whole incident occurring in February of this year seems a shame, as the one thing Lindsay has seemingly got right is having a fixed term address she can pay bills for (Lindsay famously moved into a $7,100 per month rental unit in Venice Beach, making her a next door neighbour to ex-lover, Sam Ronson. This was also the area of the so-called theft). Whilst it seems unclear if Lindsay Lohan is going to continue going down the Peaches Geldof route, it certainly seemed like a marvelous mess with Lindsay not working and now resorting to stealing dubious (downright ugly) jewelry. Her excuse was hardly watertight either, stating that, naturally she wasn’t going to return the jewelry and clear up the confusion. Still, it was a win-win situation for the shop. Without having to put a sign saying ‘Lindsay Lohan stole here,’ they nicely managed to make a quick buck by selling the CCTV tape to any available buyers. Only in LA.

Meet Mr and Ms. Lohan:

This subject is a lucrative goldmine. A family that is as well-known and as bizarre as their famous offspring. For years I have demanded a reality show based on the lives of the family. There was, in the noughties, a show called Living With the Lohans, oddly not featuring Lindsay, and, less oddly, not featuring Michael Lohan. Here was our best chance to get to know momager Dina, and the the younger Lohan clan. Dina’s purpose of this host was basically a massive PR hike, to get her now emaciated and surgically enhanced daughter, Ali into the public eye. Understandable for a woman who treated her eldest as a cash-cow, however, therein lies the problem. The show was being shown around the time Lindsay begun to build her salacious reputation for booze, drugs and unprofessionality. Over the years many have questioned Dina’s role, after all surely she should really tow the line and get Lindsay a dozen batches of rehab and family therapy vouchers, right?! No, Dina has choosen a bizarre plan B instead, most noticeably recently when she had a spout of maternal bonding with her eldest…drinking. Yes, the girl who visited rehab several times because of her two DUI convictions polished off at least three bottles of wine with mommie dearest, only to wash all that booze down with a packet of cigarettes with not a salad leaf in sight. And that’s only what has been publicised for our greedy eyes to view. Dina’s decision to be an enabler is quite reprehensible. But then we can expect little less from a woman who must have had significant impact in pushing Lindsay on to the cover of Playboy. After all, Dina is her momager. Luckily for all the tabs out there, Dina was kind enough to tell us that the shoot was going well and – a first for Playboy surely – was tasteful. One can see the dollar signs in Dina’s eyes, yet it’s a great shame that Dina can’t see the tacky fact she is earning 10% off her daughter getting her Lohans out, and practically praising Lindsay’s decision to do it in the first place.

Three bottles later…

And the father? The one that Lindsay no longer speaks to, unless it’s through an aggressive spat on twitter? Well Michael can certainly match Lindsay on police mugshots, and also hits a new low for the Lohans every time he touches the sauce. Michael Lohan though clearly has not enough of a paternal connection not to get paid top $$$ to appear on American talk shows to tell the world he thinks his daughter is smoking some grade A crystal meth. With parents like this who needs enemies?! Michael, the born-again christian, and supposedly still tee-totaller has managed to maintain his profile by getting a slot on Dr Drew’s Celebrity Rehab, the only shock was that the programmers managed to fit in other ‘zslebs’ around this man with a conveyor belt of emotional ‘issues’. On the programme we could witness Michael getting involved with a fracas with his current girlfriend. Well, maybe current is inappropriate, after all, whilst Lindsay is living under house arrest, Michael seems set to join; the girlfriend has charged Michael with domestic battery. And like Lindsay, Michael doesn’t believe in following the rules of the state ignoring the clear citation not to be in contact with his ex, as he broke the rule in a day. Knowing the police were on him, Michael decided to jump out a three-story window (true, unbelievably) which is why his appearances in court are currently with him in a wheelchair. The plot derails further (probably the most accurate description with this famililes’ ongoing drama) however, the girlfriend who files the charges recently twatted a air hostess on the plane. There are currently unconfirmed rumours that she was drunk, all of this could effectively be used as an anti-alcohol campaign quite easily. Certainly Michael Lohan needs to retire from public speaking and appearances. He must surely regret appearing on Celebrity Boxing (again, we all laugh at such a move) and, from the recent evidence, must accept that Dr Drew’s rehab was an unmitigated failure….

Michael’s career when it was swinging.

Bad press and aggressive behaviour:

It’s not been a good year for Lindsay in terms of her public standing. Just the other day Lindsay, trying to get her reputation on track has been hit with a counter-lawsuit from rapper Pitbull. Lindsay was suing Pitbull for the lyric ‘I’ve got it locked like Lindsay,’ which Lindsay thinks sullies her good character. Jokes aside, Lindsay was actually serious, and Pitbull (who should be amazed he still has a successful career) is not happy, stating that Lindsay first of all should not sue him in New York when she’s barely in New York, and, more damning, the lyrics aren’t inaccurate.

Lindsay has also begun to lose her limited clout in Hollywood. Stories have surfaced she got rejected from a Marc Jacobs party, and, just as disastrous  even more recently Lindsay got blanked by Leonardo DiCaprio when she begged his team for a photo at another big gathering. Her behaviour at this event was deemed random and aggressive, it could also turn out to be a career-killer too.

With bad press and dubious lawsuits, let’s not forget Lindsay has not helped herself either. With a permanent smirk and an obsession with bad timing (who can forget her interview, under house arrest, where she stated that prison was simply for murderers), Lindsay is seen as the spoilt brat. In 2012, she’s gotta do a massive 180 and make sure she looks like she cares about the pressure she’s putting on her publicist. The Lord knows that person needs an around-the-world trip as a reward for such a year.

Gotti be working…?

In 2010, Lindsay took on the role of porn star extraordinare,  Linda Lovelace (probably about as intelligent a role as Mel Gibson playing Barbra Streisand’s love interest). Due to Lindsay’s ability to get tied up in legal dramas, along with her ability to be uninsurable, Lindsay had to bow out of this. Still 2011 could only be better than that, surely? Well, disappointingly for her, no. In fact, her own DA had to reference her clients lack of job offers as a defence for why Lindsay had to skip her probation when she actually got some unexpected modelling work. Lindsay could have had the opportunity to immerse herself in a gangster movie, which always seem to be popular in Hollywood. Playing the wife (instead of the daughter) with John Travolta as husband, it surely could have been a huge success. It certainly would have been the much needed transition to adult star (but not of the Linda Lovelace variety) she needed. Again, due to Lindsay’s troubles with the law, it’s now apparent Lindsay will not play a Gotti, which I personally think is a great shame. After all, her legal troubles would have actually added to her performance for the role, for a change. In 2012, to save the word actress being taken off her biography, Lindsay needs to take on and complete one film, at least.

So near, yet so far, and such bad hair whilst we’re at it.
Lindsay has said before that her idol is Marilyn because they have a lot in common. Really though Lindsay is just like her…
…father, naturally!

The mugshots:

Above are, of course, the mugshots that have demonstrated the progression of her current life. Even Michael took fifty years to get to 5 separate shots. Whilst everyone has an opinion about this incident of Lindsay’s life, at least Lindsay has perfected her court room outfit. Her recent polka dot dress was a huge success.

And finally, from the morgue to Playboy

Rock bottom may be Lindsay’s forte but she does well to get out of a tight squeeze. Having been a boob for the last year, she’ll now get a cool million for showing her pair off, with Dina smiling to the bank out of frame. Naturally one couldn’t have expected less of Lindsay, although many suggested prison or rehab could have been the end of her 2011 year. Lindsay is now actually showing up to the morgue, after she finally bought a sat nav. Naturally there is now a belief she might actually finish her community service. Obviously we hope so. After that, 2012 could be her comeback year. I’ll definitely be paying full attention. Other then that, I must thank Li-Lo for everything she’s done to keep me entertained and hooked to the edge of my seat. Keep up the good work, love!

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