How to survive Disney

Walt Disney Studios – the magical link to the very essence of a Western childhood. From dwarfs dancing, heroes battling beasts, talking animals and musical ditties, we’ve all grown up with Walt’s magical legacy. Just as prominent as ever in the Twenty-First Century, Disney continues to weave its spell over generation after generation, and to continue this, Disney must keep its stars as family-friendly as Mickey himself. The main problem with the very young, very preened, smiley-smiley stars however is how they transition into adult stars – because a lot of them make some major mistakes along the way. These are my eight simple rules for surviving Disney.

Avoid chastity (unless you’re really REALLY serious about it…)

If there’s anything more wholesome than wholesome, it’s copyrighted to the home of family values: Disney. Right after Disney for wholesome values is the belief in chastity.

To some stars at Disney, they can go the distance. For example, Kevin Jonas looked pretty happy waiting for marriage, especially after he had supplemented the chastity ring for a wedding ring with his young wife, Danielle. However, if you’re Britney Spears, this will end up being one PR stunt too far. The Hold It Against Me/If You Seek Amy (entendres abounding all over those song titles alone) singer promised herself for her husband (which, presumably we’re meant to believe would be her first), but neither her Vegas or trailer trash husband were the ones that Britney first said “gimme more” to. It was in fact her Mickey Mouse co-star and very bitter superstar ex, JT who claimed America’s sweetheart. In many ways it’s hard to believe that Britney ever believed in chastity because it sounds oddly like a weird Chinese whisper now.

  Skanky Britney

Rule #1: avoid chastity. In today’s society it’s cute when 13 and kinda career suicide when you’re 15…

Avoid Taylor Swift. At all costs.

She may look like a harmless (if slightly crazed) doll, however Taylor is swift to write-up any Disney star a piece of humble pie if they meddle with her mindset; case in point: Joe Jonas. Joe, desperate to break out into a more edgy star with his undercut and without his J-bros must have regretted his fatal attraction to the ever needy Taylor the moment she told him what would happen if he were to ever leave – whack their relationship into a top 10 country track! To be fair to Taylor, Joe must have been terrified of Taylor giving him her icy stare because he broke up with her in a 30 second call. Ouch! Good intentions aside, that ends up looking like a massive fail for Joe’s longtime image, after all Joe’s fans are surely all 15 thing year old girls.

 Taylor’s takedown.

Rule #2: avoid Taylor Swift at all costs; the relationship will haunt you for years after it (no doubt) ends. Also, don’t consider interrupting her on stage either…it’ll only end in tears.

Avoid drugs & liquor.

It seems obvious that nobody should be encouraged to take drugs – especially after Nancy Regan argued it was as easy as just saying no. But if you’re gonna do it anyway, in the public eye, be far more subtle than Lindsay Lohan. Since she started on the sauce/coke she has

*Flashed her firecrotch.

*Drank several times when driving.

*Entered rehab more times than she’s made movies the last few years.

* Dated Calum Best and a selection of other degenerates of Hollywood.

*Ended up looking like a Real Housewife Of Cracksville.

The list of problems go on and on, I mean we haven’t even discussed the whole home arrest dramarama or her relationship with her bible-belt father and her momager, her biggest enabler. To give Lindsay Lohan an ounce of credit, with a childhood spent under the gaze of being a Disney princess, it would have been admittedly pretty impossible to do drugs on the downlow. The good news for Linsanity is that the public largely still likes her (unless she says such lines as “I think prison is only for murderers”) and wants her to succeed. I mean, who doesn’t want to see The Parent Trap 2?

 Li-Lo on a Tuesday

Rule #3: avoid drugs in the public eye, for all the reasons above.

 Avoid bongs at public parties.

Miley Cyrus, of Hannah Montana fame, with her country-upbringing, her odd beaver-like mouth and her all American twang couldn’t have been bigger with the tweens. However, can you upgrade your fan base whilst still holding onto the vast majority of your original teen audience? Well Miley gave it a go; her music is still in the throes of teen-pop, however her outfits are getting shorter and the teenage angst is becoming ever more apparent. However, whilst we know she can’t be tamed on her social climb to mature pop star status, Miley should have avoided going to a public party and doing relatively normal things for a teen, like being photographed with a massive bong.

Obviously, Miley shouldn’t really have to suffer for the whole teenage population of America but she is a role model, and parents won’t want their sons and daughters going to that kind of Party In The USA…

 A TMZ exclusive

Rule #4: avoid bongs in case you break your father’s achy-breaky heart.

Avoid drunken car journeys and fist fights…

Without trying to reference Lindsay’s DUI fails, it’s Shia LeBeouf, star of Holes who owns rule number 5. Whilst Shia is completing a full-scale re-intervention, seemingly as deceased bad boy and all round tortured soul, James Dean, Shia has struggled most to control his cocktail of anger, attitude and alcohol. Drink, girls, cars and fist-fights, Shia is doing a sharp 180 from his Disney past, so sharp in fact that an inebriated Shia had a dramatic car crash which almost cost him the use of his left hand. Although not Shia’s fault per se, Shia was above the legal alcohol limit and lost his driving license. As well as dubious driving, Shia has also had fights with security guards and bar brawls with random people, the latest being Marilyn Manson. Whilst Hollywood waits with bated breath for Shia’s next misdemeanor, movie audiences may no longer be waiting for his next movie.


Rule #5: avoid turning into the next Charlie Sheen until you’re 40, unemployable and have violent torpedoes of truth to tell the world. Via twitter, obviously.

 Potentially avoid a childhood working for Disney

Demi Lovato is slowly getting back to normal. Her original problem was an unhappy childhood, which got worse with the international fame that comes with working for Disney. For many children watching their favourite show, the idea of becoming a Disney childhood star could be a dream come true. For Demi, who suffered with depression, cutting, bullying and bulimia, the fame that came with working for Disney led her straight to rehab. That, or the fact she punched a back-up dancer on a plane. Maybe the emotional and physical issues were exacerbated by working for Disney, maybe it was working with the Jonas Brothers. But maybe, just maybe it could be working for the demons at Disney.

Disney survivor

Rule #6: Only work for Disney if you can hack it. Oh, and don’t punch people, it’s just not nice.

Don’t show off your goodies especially if you could be a beard {hint hint}

The original Gleesters, the High School Musical crew gave Disney studio’s a brand new set of wheels. Crazily successful, people went gaga for those clean-cut all-singing, all-dancing American teens. Whilst some of the actors are still trying to make the grade from  forgotten teen star to ‘serious’ actor, Vanessa Hudgens did something that will make her infamous for years to come…

Supposedly for her boyfriend at the time, Zac Efron (huge question mark) Vanessa let everything hang out. Literally. Not even wearing the complimentary hotel dressing robe, Vanessa’s naked portrait to Zac got leaked, unbeknownst to her, for the world to see (again somewhat suspicious), and it seemed Vanessa had finally graduated from her high school days.So whilst this is a good way to separate from future Disney type-casting, there are better ways to make a transition. We’re still waiting, Vanessa.

Vanessa’s faux-pax

Rule No.7:
Avoid taking off the underwear unless it’s for ‘the character’s development,’ however, if you could get caught au natural, make sure you get paid for it first!

Don’t hang out with Paris. No seriously, I’m not joking here.

A businesswoman, a reality star, the original celebrity for being a celebrity, the inspiration for young Mario’s blog, Perez Hilton and star of one of the most-acknowledged celebrity sex tapes, One Night In Paris, we know that Paris means business and doesn’t take fools lightly. Hell, she even had a whole show where you had to audition to become a friend of hers.

The issue with Disney starlets becoming friends with Paris is not actually because of her reputation as a’ porn princess,’ it’s the pantiless, partying (potentially pill popping) Paris that has left two Disney alumni’s with some major issues. With Britney, we saw her Caesarian peeking out when she adopted Paris’s penchant for leaving the panties at home. More severe, the married Mamma of two became obsessed with clubbing and booze. Who can forget a self-shaved Britney attacking a photographer’s car? Yeah, I’m blaming Paris here.

And Lindsay Lohan? Well, for starters, she still made movies before she met Paris. See above for several of the meltdown-moments that came after Paris met Lindsay.

When Britney met Paris…

To stay safe in Hollywood please follow Rule. No.8: Say T.T.Y.N to Paris Hilton.

So there you have it. These are my eight simple rules to avoid when either working for, or graduating Disney. Until then we’ll wait and see how the current alumni survive AD: After Disney.


One thought on “How to survive Disney

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