Lentils As Anything: a review of eating and working there


I was back in Melbourne and ready to tacky the sprawling city again. I had, on my own, done so much around the city and knew there were a few gems that I had to see now before I missed them completely. And for literally ages I had planned to volunteer somewhere in the city partly for personal satisifaction and partly to meet the cool kids milling around who were benevolent enough to volunteer in their free time. Lentils is cloaked within the famous Abbotsford convent, now a garden/picnic area and also home to classes and restaurants. It’s a nice earthy place where young and old take advantage of the old buildings and relax as only Australians can do. Lentils is within this unique compound and operates an equally unique selling point. You pay either what you can afford or more realistically, what you think the food is actually worth.

 

One review of the restaurant

D-I-S-C-O… from Donna Summer


Disco legend Donna Summer has died, and with it the legacy of D-I-S-C-O sinks a little further into the music archives. Donna was always a favourite of mine, especially when I needed some motivation for my dissertation. Who couldn’t be bang to rights with the world when they were listening to Dim All the Lights. So, to celebrate the High Priestess of Disco, there are my top 3 Donna songs, accompanied by why they’re awesome…and why she’s the star of the late 70s/early 80s.

Enough is Enough:

Ridiculously OTT, this song is a classic of the disco genre. Layer upon layer of superbly rich melodies, melodrama and funk in the same song. Great build up, smashing chorus, a rousing disco essential for the vinyl decks.

Love to Love You Baby:

The ultimate in sexy disco, this was a classic for the times. With people gyrating to the strained erotic moans and wails from Donna (the Christian, no less). Who needed words when you had the sounds of a super-satisfied lady. Donna brings a new type of sultry on to a music record, and it still holds our ears and minds captive everytime.

And the essential:

MacArthur Park:

Before Priscilla: the Queen of the Desert, which used this song with great gusto, I once saw a lounge singer attempt this song, unsurprisingly with none of the aplomb of ol’ Donna. With the lyrics being about baking cakes, you originally think this song is a bit of a bad joke. Once you listen more carefully, you realise this is actually a much more mature, intelligently woven song. Plus it has a ridiculously catchy chorus and euphoric music which rises throughout the song for maximum effect.

Thanks for the music, Donna!

A week in Hollywood: John Travolta.


Hollywood: a town cloaked in secrets and lies. Originally, in the golden days of Hollywood, where everyone had a talent – and celebrities were respected, we believed implicitly in the celebrity leading clean and honourable lives. The studios were able to suppress any scandal which could threaten the careers of their stars - and managed to with a great deal of panache. When the studios ceded power to the agents, managers and publicists of the individual star, it was their role to keep the candle burning by maintaining the illusions and white lies that kept their stars marketable, successful and - above all – financially viable. And when celebrities started to get loose and reckless we noticed. When they started to stem from reality television shows and celebrity parents we embraced them, These people lacked talent and more importantly lacked class and sophisication. So the boundaries of the celebrity relationship started to change quickly. Privacy was ignored for many, a forgotten concept for others and, with our obsession with the celebrity growing and growing, secrets started to creep out faster and faster. Those cover ups and the unknown facets of celebrity lives has allowed the magazine rags a huge business with publications looking to discover gold dust whether possible. If they have to make a few lies and fabrications of their own to sell copies, they’ll do that too.

And it is the National Enquirer that has became the boss of fact and fiction. The special areas they cover include: sexuality, sexually transmitted diseases, drugs and celebrities carted off to rehab, dodgy bribes, bad behaviour, diva behaviour, violence, extra-marital affairs, affairs in general, the list can go on and on really.

For hot messes like Britney Spears, Chris Brown and Lindsay Lohan we have been the voyeurs into their breakdown stages – a week or so of unrelenting coverage as we watch the celebrity lose the plot in front of a paparazzi. Britney’s hairless, knickerless week of madness was gripping news, Chris Brown using his fists on superstar Rhianna had everybody talking and Lindsay Lohan’s general last few years have guaranteed designated weeks of wonderful coverage about Lindsay’s latest (drugs busts, home arrests, twitter spats etc), which people like myself can’t get enough of. This week the celebrity caught under the radar is John Travolta: a superstar whose reputation is curdling fast. John has been a major player in Hollywood since the 70s, where he played a bad-ass jock in Carrie; danced to The Bee Gees’ melodic harmonies in Saturday Night Fever and danced and sang his way into Sandy’s leather pants in the perennial favourite, Grease.

Flying high? John Travolta shows off his pilot's 'wings' which entitle him to fly a jumbo jet John flying high in the glory days.

For a while his career went off the boil as he went from dirge to dirge, before having a minor success in the Look Who’s Talking series, with a co-star whose fluctuating weight is just as noteworthy as his, Kirsty Alley. His big star turn in Pulp Fiction however meant that John could always be guaranteed work, as he was the dude who had a legendary conversation about hamburgers. From then on he was cool and slick. So Johnny will be hoping he can hang on to that image as he attempts to survive the week ahead. So far there have been three lawsuits with the possibility of ‘one hundred’ more, although one has already been dropped and another not being taken to trial.  Currently we have had five men come forward to say that John has behaved in an improper, sleazy fashion. The damage is mounting fast, although kudos are in order for John’s lawyer who is deftly deflecting the lawsuits as best he can, referring in direct terms that these lawsuits are all hack-handed and all a sort of pulpy fiction his client barely has time to acknowledge. The news couldn’t fail to hit red alert status when it related to seedy massage parlours all over LA, our attentions by then hit fever pitch. The stories, if we piece them together revolves around John paying big bucks for a session and being happy to discuss the ‘bad deeds’ he had to do to secure a television role with Jewish producers (if the stories are a work of fiction, it was a deft touch of the first masseur to add the Jewish tag in for maximum authenticity). Whilst divulging this fairly big news to a stranger, John would peel away the towel hiding his gluts. After that John would quickly get up close and personal with the masseur with those (surprisingly) nimble, flabby digits of his. The result, supposedly at this present stage is hundreds of people queuing for million dollar compensation payments.John’s famous kiss.

John’s wife and children must be reeling from the revelations and the Church of Scientology can’t be too delighted either. They must have to ultimately decide whether to cut the hand that feeds the church or dispel him back to the parlours that seem to litter LA. Luckily if he gets desperate he could always ask advice from his bbf, Oprah’s best friend Gail, who has spent the best part of two decades having to deny rumours she’s having a relationship with Oprah.

The research for the first lawsuit, now dropped, was fascinating. We tracked that John was in NY, as opposed to LA on that day eating dinner at Mr Chow’s. He spent $382 and left a $100 tip. Some have speculated that with a bill that mammoth, he must have been eating with a few people. Or at least his portly bbfs, Oprah, Kirsty Alley or the fat kid from Hairspray. Although having said that, based on the size of John Travolta, it’s not overly surprising that he could rake up a $400 bill all by himself. Others have suggested that John, being a trained pilot, he could have been dashed back to LA to put his grand plan of getting a masseur under his belt by the end of the night. Conspiracy theories begun quickly. This was probably gawkers pushing the envelope of reality, but people were enjoying adding an extra level of grease to an already awkward situation for John.

Such a happy family: Kelly Preston shared this video made for her on Mother's Day by 'her husband Johnny' A family united?

John had two major slurs to his name prior to the recent oral explosions that have shaken up Hollywood. The first occurred when his supposed friend, Carrie Fisher implied that it was an open secret he was gay, telling the Advocate that everyone knew and ‘she was sorry he wasn’t comfortable about it.’ It’s hard to tell whether she remotely considered his wife and children when she happily divulged these details to a magazine such as The Advocate, however his wife can only have been thrilled with these little slips of tongues she had. In fact she probably must have demanded a muffin basket from Carrie for would have been the metaphorical shaving of her beard – if you get what I mean. Maybe though, if Kelly really bought in to the whole Scientology thing, she could have confided in the church which she’s been a prominent member of for a number of years. I’ve heard if you can drop a few seven digit donations, salvation somewhere in the universe is possible for people like John and Kelly Travolta.

The Secret Sex Life of John Travolta

Numerous headlines about John’s double life.

On top of this rather awkward declaration from a friend of his, an article spread like wildfire over the internet a few years ago. Entitled The Secret Sex Life of John Travolta, it was an article that so incensed the star his lawyer threatened to sue. As it mocked, very openly, John’s sexual history so far, referring to his penchant for bad wigs and his wandering genitals. John was then further knocked for a 66 when a book called You’ll Never Spa in This Town again was published. The salacious revelations were never ending from this novel. Riper than the juiciest of California’s fruits, John’s habits, desires and obsessive sexual urges were candidly unveiled for the public as the author liberally caved in to the several meetings he’d shared with Travolta, displaying an almost cathartic pleasure in ringing in the dollars from such a huge celebrity icon.

And this week looks like the rumour mill is just to start all over again. John was apparently so infatuated with his Grease co-star, that he tried to make a move on Jeff Conaway whilst he was unconscious. Whilst I’ll let you discover the details for yourself, it’s clear that nobody will be able to watch Grease now without the image of Danny getting with Sandy, only to ditch her for his fellow leather-loving best friend.  The revelation was seedy, shocking and hugely gripping to the public. And considering I thought the lawsuits would be the end of the week for John Travolta, it looks like a thirty plus career is bringing about a lot of past-revelations, be they true or fictious, that have been saved for a rainy day. John will be dying to get back to basics. Fly his planes, wears his make up and wigs (complete with a generous amount of hairspray of course), make a few movies, spend time with his two kids and wife (and potentially visit a few saunas)… the stuff he did before everyone got on his coattails.

Whatever happens, it goes to show just how intense one week in Hollywood can be for the rich and famous.

Blind taggin’: the celebrities worst nightmare.


The internet. Packed with rumour and intrigue. And one facet of the internet I’ve become hooked to is the most seediest of all. Supposedly based on the true, scandalous lives of celebrities and other public figures, this is a National Enquirer based on truth without revealing the name. But is this okay? Should I be as hooked as I am. Is it morally right I know which celebrity does blow on the back of a Ferrari? Which celebrity is getting down with dubious prostitutes? Whose wife is getting with another guy’s wife, whose husband, a B+ list movie actor is getting with a guy himself. Well, the long and short of that question is me. I am fascinated – just as much as I am repulsed – by this seedy, dirty and underhand rumours kept to tiltilate the public who only dream of getting the dirty deeds on the lives of the rich and famous. It’s obviously a big thing at the moment: blog sites packed to the rim with gossip. Perez has obviously become King of this, followed by other, less viable sites such as Mr Paparazzi. And gossip is probably aided by such shows as Gossip Girls that quotes about the scandal lives of Manhatten’s elite. This site hints at clues and allows people to guess underneath, meaning most celebrities get besmirched

From Melbourne to Mildura.


This didn't actually happen when I was there... but it gives Mildura a bit of character. The day of the sandstorm

Mildura by the way could be also be referred to as hell.

For most of my time in Australia I have spent countless hours having a conversation with myself about how to tackle Australia. What a beast it is. I knew I wanted to see Darwin, was vaguely interested in Perth and definitely wanted to spend a fair time in Sydney. As it were I became hooked on Melbourne - before Melbourne started to ravage me. I was poor, becoming poorer in fact before I even knew it and knew some farm work could be the break I needed to work out the next move.

So I went to Mildura. With my bitch of a suitcase for company I realised I was going to a rural city. Everything was going get smaller, from the people’s minds to the lack of places to visit… but at least I would be with my fellow backpackers. For better or worse, I had yet to work out. Anyway I got to Mildura and had a variety of odd, depressing conversations with the backpackers from the outset. Downing cheap goon (‘wine’ made with a mixture of fish, wine and rotting grapes) they told me to leave almost immediately. This naturally frustrated me because I had literally just got there and the outlook couldn’t be more depressing. The rent, they informed me, was just about managable from working at the place for three days a week, meaning they were getting violently underpaid. An example – one person was earning $10 an hour and paying at least $4 on transport to get to the farm… others managed to earn $22 for six hours work, lower than the hourly wage I’ve been offered for a job in Melbourne. What stuns me is that several people have been here for up to four months. I’ve spent four days here and have managed to crawl the walls more times the flies hovering around the kitchen. If there wasn’t a library here I could see myself ploughing head first in to the Murray river.

In desperation, as I wasn’t working and was stuck in Mildura, one day I resorted to accidentally engaging myself in a 8km walk to a gem shop – which I had heard was both tacky and brilliant. It was tacky but certainly wasn’t worth a ninety minute walk along dusty motorways. The place was dubbed Aladdin’s Cave because it had the private collection of the family’s who owned the joint. It also had a ceiling of fake stalagmites to give the feeling you were in a vault followed by several stands full of amber, tiger eye, amethyst, cubic zirconia and other vaguely expensive stones. I didn’t really know if I were expecting Snow White exactly, but I would have enjoyed the idea of seven small men (very possible in a place like Mildura) to show me around. Perhaps that is why the walk didn’t quite live up to expectation.

And I write this on Monday, having slowly managed to lose my sanity. Mildura is surprisingly a dangerous place (maybe because there is nothing to do here expect engage in criminal activity) so at nights you are literally trapped in your dorm room, unless you go with others to the outrageously awful nightclubs that seem to have ‘Oooh I heard you were a wild one’ on repeat. The backpacker trap has never been so tragic. I’ll keep you posted.

Update: On the evening I wrote this, a man high on ice begun to attack people with a sharp butchers knife because he thought someone had stolen his (used) shoes: Mildura – what a city! Conversations have continued along the same vein, although I’ve heard some particularly entertaining stories recently alievating the boredom. One girl was almost tearful because she was told she was terrible at picking grapes, only to be told later on she was also terrible at taking the leaves off the grapes. I also heard of the girl who was so desperate for attention here that she faked a seizure on the night of the sandstorm pictured above, and once unzipped her top only then to say ‘oops, how did that happen.’ The need for entertainment, as you probably guess in Mildura is a continuing issue. Just this morning I watched a variety of lads engage in drag for no apparent reason at midday. This was also on the ANZAC day honouring war heroes, and was thus deemed wildly inappropriate by the locals.

Realising I needed to leave the hostel immediately I went on the famous Paddle Steamer boat, which is based on the mighty Murray river. It was two hours, which should have been a little bit more exciting… I ended up reading my book. Mildura for the 22 year old crowd doesn’t exist. It goes from about 6 to 66 with no room for vaguely stimulated people in the middle.

And so I left, with joy and happiness in my very being to leave the place. To add to my excitement at taking the last coach out of Mildura, I was treated to reviews like this, from Tripadvisor:

I have never written a review for any hotel/hostel I have stayed in previously however good or bad but I feel that the severity of the way this hostel treats its occupants, warrants a warning to anyone thinking of staying here. DON’T!

The saga begins before you even arrive. We phoned the hostel to inquire about the likely hood of a room but more importantly work. We spoke to a lovely lady called Eve who informed us there would be 3 spaces available and that work would take around 2/3 days to find and would entail either picking grapes or watermelons consistently for 3/4 months.

This turned out to be a complete lie and we waited for 2 weeks before any form of work was available, never even seeing anyone called Eve or hearing of a water melon crop in the area. No staff of any importance were available throughout the day to request further information about work. You had to wait until 4 o’clock to crowd around them and beg for work along with another 50 backpackers in the same situation. The 2 gentlemen available to speak to were Vince and Frankie, unfortunately 2 of the rudest most unhelpful almost cretinous humans I have ever met. It seems every week they would promise that the grape season would start the week after effectively encouraging people to stay for an extra week EXTORTING another $150 from them. I appreciate that they are not in control of the seasons but apparently this happened 5 weeks previous to our stay and continued once we left.

When work was available it was on a pepper farm and lasted 4 hours for one day only; know one minds working hard to earn money but at $20 a box, with a box taking around 1 hour for 3 people to fill there was zero scope to earn any money let alone enough to live. The gentleman who owned the farm was called Nittan (using the term “gentleman” extremely loosely). He never paid anyone for the work they completed on time if at all; as he kept no records of who worked and when; using the excuse of you were never here to not pay you! One of the guys managed to do a weeks work for him and is still owed around $500 to this day.

There is work available in the area of Mildura at other more legitimate hostels some even having more work than they have residents in their hostels, even when at capacity! The only reason I can assume this hostel is incapable of getting work for residentS is that with they’re holier-than-thou attitudes they loose contracts with farmers very easily. In response to the garlic work comment below, i asked about this work and the contract has now been lost. Surprise surprise!

We left after foolishly staying longer than a week, the hostel had they’re $300 rent and were more than happy for us to leave; along with the 25 others that saw the light that day. They are fully aware that however many people leave they will be able to replace immediately with a new batch of positive hard working back packers looking for money and/or their 2nd year visa.

I could continue to discuss stories of our stay here but i would smash up my laptop in anger at the memories.

Do not stay here, you will not work, you will not have a good time and you most definitely will be wasting your money!!!! You have been warned!

…and:

If I had a dollar for everytime I was told I would be given a worthwhile job – on grapes, garlic or watermelons – I would be a very rich pomme.

We rang quite a few hostels in Midura and only Oasis promised us work on either the grapes, garlic or watermelons, which seemed great. Every other hostel asked us to phone back in a few weeks when they would have work for us. When we arrived their lies began to unravel. On the phone they stated that they needed lads to work on the watermelons, as it was a too demanding job for girls, however we were told later that they could not remember saying this. We had heard off other people at the hostel that there were pepper jobs going and told not to do it, but we were so bored with not working that we thought we would give it a try. It isn’t the most demanding work, although the pay is shocking and the contractor probably will not pay you for weeks – unless you threaten him. As for the garlic picking and packing we were informed by one of the owners that this contract had been lost – tbh if I was a farmer I wouldn’t want to deal with these cowboys. To top this off we rang other farms and hostels who said they had loads of works, the only stipulation was that we would have to move from Oasis as they “do not like dealing with them” – so there are jobs around.

The hostel itself was actually ok – however, the hobs, pool table, x-box and air conditioning were broke. There was a pool which is decent, not very big though. The place had potential as there were a lot of nice backpackers staying there but a lot – including us – were leaving due to lack of work. The owners and staff are pretty offensive and do not value you at all. The only real ways to get a job here is if the grape harvest is so busy the farmers have to use Oasis, be in the right place at the right time (what happened to the waiting list and people getting jobs in the order of when they arrived), or to pester Vince and Frankie until they either get aggressive with you or cave in. It’s pretty laughable also that the office is only open when the rent is due and they actually gave me a job picking peppers (because no one wants it) the day before my rent was due to give me false hope that I would be earning money – JOKE!

…and that’s Mildura for you!

Part 5: Conclusions


I was returning in my final week to Bingin, to revisit my surfing friends, to see a beach with a bit of character and to avoid irritating westerners with sunburn and heatstroke blazing in front of my eyes. I was also going for New Year, where I could see traditional celebrations and then curl up with friends whilst we hang around our resort. The reason for this is because the Balinese have burnt some crepe-paper creations of evil spirits to ward off their bad omens. On the next day everyone hangs in their homes so the spirits trolling the island will believe there is nobody there to haunt and leave for the year. As my friends and I went to the ceremony we were very excited, and, even though it became slightly repetitive and rather confusing (perhaps because my Indonesian wasn’t quite up to scratch) to understand what was going on within the festival. I was naturally rather concerned throughout the ceremony because I knew the next day was the lock in, and I had no food. I had spent a decent two hours desperately trying to find a place open, on foot I might add, around the mostly rural areas all around me on a bank holiday. The roads were obviously rocky and I was seething with bitterness and jealousy watching the people zoom past me on their motorbikes no doubt laughing at the ridiculously frazzled looking, bare-footed westerner walking miles down the road to no avail.

Still, I guess I should obviously be delighted that I wasn’t in Kuta…

On the day of the lock in I had managed to secure a breakfast from the chef, who weirdly starting flirting with me by asking if I were single whilst caressing my thigh and referring to me as a gentleman. Later on I managed to miss lunch without realising it had ended, with the chef bringing me the news with a gleeful smile.

“What, so you mean there is no more food for today, no snacks”

“No” he said with gusto “no more food. Kitchen closed.”

I was devastated, thank God for my friends feeding me nuts that I were a monkey by the temple, I firmly believe I would have starved otherwise. The lock in was spent listening to music and watching music, which was a bonus considering we thought electricity didn’t exist for the day. Having said that, I had decided that the south was too provincial for me and the next day decided to depart for Seminyak. This bought about a lot of stress the next day as I again ended up walking through back alleys with irritating locals looking at me like a cashpoint as they offered wildly ludicrous offers to Seminyak. My mind became embittered in this hour walk to the local cafe, to such an extent that I think I started to lose my mind. I managed to finally get in to a taxi (no more walking along the side of the motorway for me looking like a homeless, albeit stylish, loser) whilst having porridge with pineapple. Who knew such a combination would work. The tea I had whilst negotiating this deal though didn’t work with diabetes-induced spoonfuls of sugar. Just in case you wanted some info about the cuisine.

Arriving in Seminyak with a frazzled mentality, a shock at the rapidly increased heat and business of the area, I tried, in vain, to barter down a decent homestay… but realised early on I were in the wrong place for this. Especially when I received one quote of a million a night for beautiful, but obviously overcharged room. I checked in to the budget hotel, Grandma’s hotel… I didn’t understand the name either and settled in to a bit of Foxtel and a stroll on the beach.

I don’t know what went wrong with the beaches around the Kuta-Seminyak area but this beach was equally dire. As if rubbish strewn across the beach was a normal phenomena. I was shocked, this was meant to be the beautiful part of that area.  I had even considered attempting to surf on my final day to see off Bali in style, had  the water not looked like it were concealing an oil spill

Still I managed to have a variety of good dishes around the area and even managed to check out a few bars. One in particular were offering specials on rum cocktails, which I went wild for (the MasterCard was firmly back in business by this end point of the trip) before ending up in a variety of slightly seedy clubs in Seminyak strip, with a variety of desperately fake greeters complimenting you to buggery in order that you buy a drink. This clubs were definitely festively decorated with wall to wall of men and women trying to move within the cramped space whilst the drear playlist droned, and when a variety of drag queens (slightly better looking than the child prostitutes of Kuta) steeped out, I decided that an hour and an half of this was quite enough for one evening. And when Whitney Houston steeped up and attempted to make me stay longer I wandered pretty quickly back to Grandma’s. Somehow within this drunken five minutes I managed to fall in to an open drain. Don’t laugh now, it was very painful. Some Balinese taxi drivers, my foe for the whole trip pretty much suggested I visit the Bali medical centre, to which they could take me. Now when my friend got a cut on her foot, the doctor she visited seemed pretty hopeless. In fact it was my friend who was suggesting the medication she needed. And because I was in little doubt the doctors wouldn’t diagnose insulin with a diabetic, I bitterly whined to myself that an open hole in the road should be covered whilst attempting to fix myself up with a DIY medical kit.

For my final day I hung by the beach whilst having an old Balinese woman attempt to befriend me whilst asking if she could keep my ring/towel/book, after I refused to buy her bracelets/offers of massage and drinks from her brother’s cafe. It’s fair to say the Balinese are friendly but some lacked the graces I would expect, particularly this woman basically expecting me to donate my luggage to her ‘business.’ You’ll be pleased to know though we ended on good terms.

And from there, having done these two days solo, I was ready to head back on home to Oz. Bali was a great introduction to Asia, although I left thinking that Asia is a lot of work in certain ways, the constant bartering, the business of Asia, the aggression of certain people. I left thinking I probably wouldn’t be the type of person to send three months holed up in random sections of the far east.